All-Powerful-Knowing-and-Good Election

Click the picture to see The Telegraph's article "Congressman says God will save us from climate change"

The Election
Position: The First Mover
Term: Beginning of Time -> Infinity
Election to Be Held: 1050ad; any local community center.
Original Petition and Argument for Position: As the position for First Mover may be held at a date before the creation of the universe, and as every mover must have been moved by another mover (a posteriori; laws of physics), an election must be held so that the First Mover did not just, you know, come out of nowhere.

Candidates
Hadrow P. Illstein: vegabond from southern Africa. He boiled water as a health service for villages, but the villagers always chased him away after burning the roofs of their mouths. He needs this job so that he can have a sense of duty for which he can't be exiled--as he says "I can't get kicked out the universe, I don't think. Anyway, I need this job."
God: vegabond from the fifth dimension or higher. Responsible for institutions such as 'religion,' the Jewish Community Center, and the Young Men's Christian Association. He has received some criticism for this, but as he says "You know, some people appreciate what I have done for the community. I just hope enough of them vote for me. I kid! I'm exciting for this opportunity, but Hadrow has a lot of strengths. We'll just have to wait and see. Oh, also, not only will I always be, but I also always have been, so I am a little better qualified to be President of Zimbabwe . . . oh this is for First Mover? I must have signed up at the wrong booth."

UPDATE
It all went by the wayside when Hadrow P. Illstein dropped out of the election, securing God's position as the First Mover. It's funny how that all worked out.

IQ! Gesundheit!

Everyone knows that no one knows everything. Nevertheless, some people still believe they do because they always win Trivial Pursuit. Scientists solved this problem by developing the test for a person's Intelligence Quotient, which allows these annoying braggarts to know how dumb they are.

The following is a real IQ test that I am going to make up as I write this blog. Go ahead and test your intelligence. You might learn something that you already knew!

How to take this test:
Take as much time as you need. On a separate piece of paper write down your answers and when you have completed the test, bring that paper to my desk. Good luck finding my desk. You will not be penalized for attempting an answer, unless you get it wrong. If you don't know where to find my desk, and someone asks you how you did on this IQ test, you are going to have to make up your score. I recommend asking him "What do you think I got?" and then adding about 10 points to whatever he says, so it is believable and you seem smarter than he thinks. Or just say 115. That's safe.

Good Luck!

Time Travel Writing

Sometimes, in good conversation, we are prompted with an opportunity to answer a hypothetically but very interesting and thought provoking question: "If you could go back in time, what would you do?"

This hypothetical maintains not a fallacy of logic, but a severe improbability. If you COULD go back in time, you probably don't get to choose HOW far back you get to go. Imagine this:

Father Time shows up and says: Hey bud! You are the only human being that gets the chance to go back in time! Are you going to take it?

Adam: Heck yes! I want to go back to junior year and kiss Ashley Ashleyson when I had the chance!

Father Time: Yeah, yeah. That be cool... Well, the thing is, I was doing some inventory and I have like eleven extra minutes, and I was like, 'Hey, ive always liked Adam, maybe he could use them, so... If you want to go back in time eleven minutes, now is your chance.

Adam: Can I save them and go back eleven minutes when I need to? In case I get in a car accident or something?

Father Time: Well, no not really. You see, what i have is a Time Surplus, so if I don't use these minutes now then God gives me eleven less minutes next quarter. Listen, if you don't want them I will probably give them to the British Prime Minister. After all, he is in an ambulance because he electrucuted himself.

Adam: Tony Blair?

FT: No. A new guy.

Adam: So you are telling me I can either save the prime ministers life, or go back in time eleven minutes?

FT: Uhhh, yeah. Well, we have been talking for a little longer than I expected. You can go back in time seven minutes.

Adam [looking at his plate]: That was a good grilled cheese sandwich...