Blog-none (1 of 3)

Usually, before writing a blog (or writing anything), I like to have at least one topic in mind before I begin writing. Last night, I was criticized for maintaining this mentality. I was told that that is the wrong approach. So here it is, look at me now, internet! I'm going to write about nothing.

For the record, writing about nothing is tricky. I have to avoid absolutely all topics. I can't write about President Obama's health care plan. I'm unable to mention the progress of the repairs on the Large Hadron Collider at CERN. I have to completely refrain from griping about my somnambulant professors.

Even fiction characters must be avoided: hobbits; HAL, the space computer; Ender's age defying mentor, Mazer Rackham; and Gary Busey. Consider the fictional places permanently omitted: Narnia; Pangaea; The North Pole, pergatory, the dark side of the moon, and Atlanta. And music! No more writing about my favorite albums, like "Dark side of the Moon" and "Gary Busey."

Here, I must break. It seems I'm not yet ready to write about nothing. Perhaps blogging is not meant to be an act of Nothing-Writing, but a process, pursuit, or maybe even a quest to gain the wisdom necessary to think without thought; entertain superfluous postulates on the non-existant; to weblog with out we, without log, and simply b.

Tom Franken's FrankenBlog

The FrankenBlog was a blog I wrote a while back in the persona of Tom Franken [you can find his real blog here: http://excerptsfromthelifeofaliontamer.blogspot.com/ ]. That blog has since been retired [due to reasons I'd rather not digress upon]. The following is one post from that blog.

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Yo Hablo! Soy Tom!

Somedays I dream about becoming a famous singer/songwriter.
And then I wake up and think:
1) That was a stupid dream.
2) Did I just wake up in the middle of Spanish class? How did I get here?

Later in the day I will realize that I have Math in the same classroom as Spanish. So I must have fallen asleep during my Math lesson in the morning, missed History, English, and Lunch, and woken during my Spanish lesson later that afternoon.

This will occur a couple times a week, so normally I am used to it. But today was different. As I left Spanish class to go find something to eat, I noticed someone. Her name was Jessica, and she's been in my school for a few years, but today she looked different. Maybe she had died her hair blond, or maybe it was the way she crossed her legs while sitting in her desk, still listening to the teacher. I thought to myself she might even stay for the whole class period. I was smitten.

As I walked away from the classroom, I could still hear her soft, sultry voice echoing the halls in some language i couldn't understand. I wondered what she might be saying. But I guess I will never know.

Feeling very peculiar, I decided to put my feelings into lyrical form. This is how my song began:

Hey girl, sitting across the room from me.
I didn't expect to see you here, today.
Maybe I should tell you my name.

That is as far as I got with the song. I couldn't decide what to do next. I could tell her my name in the next line, but "It's Tom" isn't very poetic. Besides, she probably already knows my name. I've talked to her dozens of times. I mean, I see her there all the time. And I never call her "girl." That would be kind of degrading. And weird.

Upon all of those realizations, I rewrote the lyrics to be more appropriate:

Hi Jess.
Can your Mom drive me home from school?
I lost my keys again.

At the end of the day I decided not to sing those beautiful words to her, but just spoke them in a conversational tone. I really did need a ride home, and I didn't want to creep her out.

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The Autoblog

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Reader,

Today is [Thurs, Aug, 09]. I am fine.
I initiated my daily routines as usual. Then, my [toaster] didn't function according to plan, and [>config Internal Error ew1q7.dll] got everywhere! If my friends, family, possible significant other, possible children, or acquaintances that happen to lodge in my home for the night due to unusual circumstances had seen it, it would have been very embarrassing! Later, on my drive to work, I saw a [>config Internal Error ew1q7.dll unresolved >Reinstalling dictonaryEng.exe... >initiating:aardvard/allocate/bagel/such/yelp Warning! Dictionary incomplete! Please download update {LZUser1.1} ] on the road! I'll post the pics soon!

Thanks for reading! Good-b[>terminating sequence...]

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