eLoneliness

Technology has taken a step backward today. KevInternet is dead.

I tried to go to my favorite website, hatp:(\/)wwk.Kev.Kers
to check my KEVmail, but to my horror, KevInternet had been abandoned. It is now just a ghost internet, with xhtml tumbleweed trundling across my KevExplorer.

Yes, for those of you who are unfamiliar with KevInternet-kev pages used xhtml. But they only used xhtml. None of those wussy .html pages with clunky Java applications.

It was a better internet, KevInternet was.

Of course, the Kev browsers all allowed "pop-ups." But no advertisements existed in KevInternet! There existed only two types of pop-ups. The first consisted of friendly photos of children playing in Kevin's neighborhood with friendly captions such as "Welcome to KevInternet! Enjoy your free service! BWAHAHA!!!" or "Kevin hopes you are having a great day! Check out this link I found on MeTube!"

The only other pop-ups were daily mandatory 400 question multiple choice quizzes about the users satisfaction with KevInternet, where the user can answer with "Very Satisfied," "My opinion doesn't matter because Kevin simply is pleased by the accumulation of information and I should respect his desires," or "It's a little buggy," to each question.



Signs that KevInternet had been evacuated were abundant. The popular search engine, sextillion.kev, would only surface three results, no matter what keyword I selected. The first was myspacedeliverance.kev the most popular social-network-addiction-rehabilitation kevsite to ever to exist. The link was dead. The second result was a sole klog [kev-log], with posts so bleak, torrid, and desperate for love, pity, and laundry money that I dare not transpose them here. The last was MeTube.kev, a website devoted to videos of Kevin himself. It was still up and running.


I spent some time on MeTube.kev. I watched the videos of Kevin playing with turtles, chasing around children in his neighborhood, doing laundry, watching videos of himself on MeTube, and laughing out of sheer joy from reading the results of daily quizzes, which used to be such an uplifting sight.

While I was browsing, a new video was posted by Kevin. It was him playing a guitar and singing a song. The video was entitled "I am dead." The lyrics were as follows:

I am dead!
Well, not really me!
My Internet has been defeated
by http.

I could express my emotions
with one lone solemn chord
but a chord I don't know how to fret!

Now I see the irony
of my undoing:
I must look it up on the internet!

Once I heard the song, I knew it was officially over for KevInternet, so I must slink back into the metallic and off-putting social machinery of the Internet, leaving behind my sacred, soft, sensual alliteration bearing social and intellectual tapestry of KevInternet.

Farewell, avuncular network. You have taught me much about the values and follies of electronic narcissism. And Kevin, if you need to contact me, all you have to do is power down, log-off, or, at the least, go on stand-by.

Dreamblog

It was my wedding day, and I was running up a hill toward the soccer/football field. The ceremony was about to take place on the field, but there was one small problem. So, I ran up to the coach and said, "Is it bad if I am wearing jeans for this?"

That is when my dream [what I hope is actually a premonition] ended.

WARNING: Science Jokes Abundant

Extremely scientific but also very humorous. Normal people beware.

"10 Ways to destroy the Earth"

http://www.livescience.com/technology/destroy_earth_mp.html